While writing this a knock occured upon my door. Two women (perhaps a mother and daughter), looking for a room to rent.
"We just arrived in this country and we are looking for a place to stay". The older of the two had a beautiful smile and a Sarah Palin type face. I was taken back by her beauty. Yes, the need I have with women has been updated and reissued. Is it a correction that comes from fatherhood? I wonder where the old me went. I feel a need to go out and stop that women and tell her "Yes...you can live with me until you get on your feet or done with school". I long for the old nurturing ways and superstitions held by my grandparents. I have no faith in american ideology, practicality, or it's theories on love, sex, or family. I long to unlock the mysteries of such beauty and such loving eyes...to discover the seed and flower of it's inception passed down mother to daughter, father to son. Sad to see her walk away, her umblella leaning on her soft shoulder, her tied back and tucked behind her ear; I wish I had something to offer, to share...a meal, a song, a hot cup of tea. Gone now, the love of my day...this day, this rainy and beautiful musical day. I was caught here and shown my need...A gift from above, a reminder that chance and opportunity happen to those in motion...settle upon what is only neccessary and decide accordingly to that what is offered. Yes, this is what blew my fathers ship into the rocks, his inability to see his own path.
When I was younger, drinking in a tavern, I met this exotic looking Gypsy women. She enslaved me with her beauty and a romance soon began. She was older, dark and wise; sensual like nothing I've ever know and able to see the past and future as one. She told me of myself, my travels, and the lives it took me to get here. But she warned me about my fathers lack of experience and inability to recognize a Divine voice, it was always masked and cloaked in Catholisism and I think that persistent tie hindered the ways of the human spirit. Yes there is life, yes...sin...but in order to see the enormity of the mountain, you must walk alongside in the valley. "The Dark Night" as John of the Cross labeled it...it is what leads us back to God and to a spiritual maturity we otherwise might never knew existed.
(Oh Gypsy Women...when will you knock upon my door, and spill libations on my floor!)
It is decided....Raingear, a keen eye, open heart, and a listening ear...off to the lake!
A new mantra has been working it's way into my thought stream.
I had a dream I met a girl that was from eastern europe...
just as we were getting to know one another her visa expired...
A fishing trip is on the radar...I don't think I've ever stayed out alone without Shayla. By monday afternoon my traveling disposition should change.
Been looking for another place, but Aidan and I are really comfortable here. Been thinking about testing the waters with the owner about the dog...coming up with an excuse..."oh she's dying and I'm looking for another place..." yeah something like that, just until it's understood that she's not or never has been a problem. Control.
Narcissism; I sort of blame on GH and just have a feeling my adventures came up in conversation between the two weirdo's and that's what I hate about working with/for other people, especially G.H. who has good moral character, but is the dullest personality I've ever known ("all work and no play"-proven). I always get the feeling from him that somehow he thinks he''s better or more important but without ever having to face the challenge of competition. Not once, through his "slow down" (stoppage) did he ever inquire on how my financial situation was, not once did he ever show concern; after two point five years of making him look good, my life was a non-issue. But through that time I persevered and put myself in a better position than I've been in-in a long time.
And now that things are picking up and he's getting more opportunity, he's expecting me to once again throw my own priorities aside and help him support all the overhead he's established. He's going to have to sweeten the pot for me to make him a priority after the miserable eight months his company has given me.
(Really, I hate thinking on this level, especially so early in the morning on a Sunday, but the issue remains and other opportunities are calling). I haven't discussed any of my other options with him, but have given him the childish notion that they're there...When he asked me what kind of insurance I was getting (undoubtedly, wondering if I was getting business insurance), I let him know that I couldn't afford truck insurance for over six months, haven't been to the dentist in three years or haven't had health insurance in two and a half years and since I came to work for him. I wondered if he had to put off any of his responsibilities.
It was a mistake letting him make me an employee. After taxes, there's barely enough money to live on working full time...and I still have to use my truck, my tools, and have to maintain all the same things as if I were in business, but can't write them off as I did as a contractor. This has to change... when I didn't have work over the winter, all I managed to collected from unemployment was six hundred dollars.
You can't depend on anyone.